El Santo
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Post by El Santo on Apr 21, 2021 8:56:47 GMT -5
I had to think a bit regarding which subforum this belonged in. On the one hand, the subject matter seems tailored to "Infotainment," but on the other, 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting is the closest thing to a creative outlet I've got these days. In the end, I figured it might as well go here, if only for the sake of having a little more activity in the Art Crime Division. Anyway, the point is I'm finally writing again! After more than a year of barely being able to put together a coherent paragraph-- which itself came as the climax to several more years of steadily declining productivity, as I found more and more of my mental bandwidth being sucked up by the global dumpster-fire of the mid-to-late 2010's! Here are the new movie reviews I posted on Monday night: The Bloody Brood (1959), in which Leopold & Loeb go both Beat and Canadian... Colossus and the Amazon Queen (1960), in which "Colossus" isn't Maciste for once, and at least a couple of the laughs are deliberate... Orgy of the Dead (1965), in which Ed Wood tries his hand at writing dirty movies... Predator 2 (1990), in which four fair-to-inspired Predator sequels combine to form one kind of lousy one... and... Witchfire (1985), in which Shelley Winters belatedly shows that she could hag-ham with the best of them. |
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El Santo
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Post by El Santo on May 25, 2021 10:30:05 GMT -5
And with this post, I have already doubled my annualized update frequency as compared to 2020. First up, help yourselves to the All-You-Can-Keep-Down Seafood Buffet of 1989: DeepStar Six (1989), in which the poor, sad bastards on the ocean floor are setting up an undersea missile base, and the weird thing they find is sort of like a giant mantis shrimp... Endless Descent (1989), in which the poor, sad bastards on the ocean floor are trying to rescue the crew of a vanished submarine, and there's no fucking end to the weird things they find... Leviathan (1989), in which the poor, sad bastards on the ocean floor are silver miners, and the weird thing they find is the result of an experiment by the Soviet Navy to turn their special forces troops into gill-men... and... Lords of the Deep (1989), in which the poor, sad bastards on the ocean floor are scientists trying to develop undersea habitats for a post-apocalyptic humanity, and the weird thing they find is a colony fishlike extraterrestrials. And then we have the usual rather random miscellany: Crimes of Passion (1984), in which Ken Russell accidentally makes a full-on 90's-style Erotic Thriller several years early, just by getting Ken Russell all over a mid-80's neo-noir... The Video Dead (1987), in which watching TV really is as bad for you as the pundits always said... War of the Colossal Beast (1958), in which Mr. B.I.G. brings back Mr. Big... and... The Wraith (1986), in which the Crow borrows the Car from Satan in order to hunt down Toecutter from beyond the grave. |
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Post by Marxo Grouch on May 27, 2021 5:00:36 GMT -5
I have an affinity for deep sea movies. The fact that we still have such limited knowledge about a place that's very much within our own sphere, as well as being fascinating, is also rife with potential for narrative purposes. Plus, since I met Cliffie, I've always assumed that I would end up living in some sort of underwater scenario at some point.
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Post by Lemmy Caution on May 27, 2021 19:45:24 GMT -5
I have an affinity for deep sea movies. The fact that we still have such limited knowledge about a place that's very much within our own sphere, as well as being fascinating, is also rife with potential for narrative purposes. Plus, since I met Cliffie, I've always assumed that I would end up living in some sort of underwater scenario at some point. Explosive decompression really sucks, though. "The blood of the three divers left intact inside the chambers likely boiled instantly, stopping their circulation. The fourth diver was dismembered and mutilated by the blast forcing him out through the partially blocked doorway and would have died instantly."
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El Santo
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Post by El Santo on Jun 14, 2021 8:26:22 GMT -5
I began a whole lot of reviews during that year or so when I never posted anything, but they all seemed to fall apart on me about a page in at best. One of the things I want to do this year is to finish as many of those as are worth salvaging. Not everything in this current update falls into that category, but I’m sufficiently satisfied with the ones that do to feel confident that the project is worth pursuing further: The Blood of Heroes (1989), in which not even the end of the world can save us from organized sports... Frankenhooker (1990), which makes me oddly nostalgic for urban blight... Hello, Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987), in which all your darkest suspicions about would-be prom queens are confirmed... Homoti (1987), in which rank opportunism and nonexistent intellectual property laws are for once insufficient to explain a painfully cheap Turkish copy of a Hollywood blockbuster... and... The Sword of the Barbarians (1982), in which it turns out there's a limit to even the Italian appetite for throwing good money after bad. |
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El Santo
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Post by El Santo on Jul 27, 2021 8:30:45 GMT -5
Here's what went up last night at 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting: Army of the Dead (2021), in which what happens in Vegas damned well better stay in Vegas... Crocodile (1979), in which Sompote Sands evidently can't quite complete the shift in gears from ripping off "Ultraman" to ripping off Jaws... Devil's Express (1975), in which Brooklyn karate gangs battle each other for dope-pushing territory and an ancient Chinese demon for the fate of humankind... Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), in which screenwriter Daniel Farrands attempts to revitalized a floundering, superannuated slasher franchise by reconfiguring it as an "X-Files" copy... and... Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), in which the studio walks that back with a quickness after the original cut gets curbstomped by preview audiences. Also, I've finally grown sufficiently embarrassed of some the reviews from my first few years of operation to rewrite them practically from the ground up. So far I've identified a dozen reviews in need of such treatment, and I won't be surprised if I find a few more. Here's the first installment of that project: The Curse of Frankenstein (1957), in which Hammer Film Productions were just trying not to get sued, but inadvertently touched off a revolution in cinematic horror... Die, Monster, Die! (1965), in which American International Pictures entrust Daniel Haller to do for H.P. Lovecraft what Roger Corman had already done for Edgar Allan Poe, but the venture doesn't go nearly as well... and... First Man into Space (1958), in which an also-also-ran British studio perfects the art of impersonating cheap American crap. |
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El Santo
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Post by El Santo on Aug 23, 2021 8:58:11 GMT -5
I made it out to a theater for the first time in... What? A year and a half? I've missed doing that, let me tell you. Anyway, here's the new stuff: Gawain and the Green Knight (1973), which you might alternately think of as a beta test for Sword of the Valiant, or as Monty Python and the Holy Grail without the jokes... The Green Knight (2021), in which the same old story gets a much more thoughtful (and also much more engagingly odd) treatment... Halloween H20 (1998), in which, incredibly, we finally get a really good Halloween sequel... The Last Dinosaur (1977), in which the title refers more properly to Richard Boone than to his Tyrannosaur nemesis... and... Rolls Royce Baby (1975), in which Erwin C. Dietrich borrows Lina Romay from Jesus Franco, and then just has her ride around the middle of nowhere in an old-timey limo, picking up hitchhikers to screw. And here's another up-from-the-studs rebuild: The Journey: Absolution (1997), in which David DeCoteau somehow manages to make a movie that is at once Starship Troopers: Twink Academy and No Homo, Bro: The Motion Picture.
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El Santo
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Post by El Santo on Sept 29, 2021 10:44:43 GMT -5
Once again, Juniper spent the last few weeks of the summer visiting family in the cool and verdant mountains, rather than sticking out the "Hell's front porch" phase of the season here in the Chesapeake tidewater. So here's an update heavily freighted with reviews of films she'd rather not think about (plus a couple less loathsome things we watched together after she came back): Candyman (1992), in which some urban legends really are true, even when they really are just legends... Entrails of a Virgin (1986), in which there are plenty of entrails, but precious few virgins to be found... Grotesque (1988), in which you get three movies for the price of one, plus the disembodied conclusions to two more as a bonus... The Killer Snakes (1974), in which the Shaw Brothers do Willard, and no animals weren't harmed during the production of this film... and... The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (1957), in which it takes almost as long to type the title as it does to watch the movie. |
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El Santo
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Post by El Santo on Oct 27, 2021 12:52:03 GMT -5
Man, that was a lot of giallo. Too much, really, as it happened. One of the movies I planned to review for this update had to get kicked back into next month's, so that I could keep all these tangly-ass mysteries about black-gloved killers sufficiently straight to write about them: The Bird with the Crystal Plumage (1970), in which Dario Argento more or less singlehandedly convinces people outside of West Germany to give a shit about gialli at long last... The Cat o' Nine Tails (1971), in which Argento really earns his nickname as the Italian Hitchcock... Gently Before She Dies (1972), in which I acquire a new favorite riff on "The Black Cat," but can't quite bring myself to type Your Vice Is a Locked Room, and Only I Have the Key over and over and over again... and... A Lizard in a Woman's Skin (1971), in which Lucio Fulci, of all people, proves that a giallo can be full of arresting, irrational imagery and still make solid, logical sense for the most part. |
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El Santo
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Post by El Santo on Nov 30, 2021 13:00:09 GMT -5
I always enjoy an all-over-the-map update after one as narrowly focused as last month's: Beast from Haunted Cave (1959), in which the bank robbers were ready for anything except a monster... Dracula (1973), in which I'm not sure how you arrive at the decision to cast a cowboy in decline as Count Dracula, but that's what Dan Curtis did... Dune, Part One (2021), in which I'm insisting on that "Part One" precisely because the producers were so determined to downplay it... Frankenstein (1973), in which Curtis does something even more radical than casting Jack Palance as Dracula: He makes a Frankenstein movie that more or less follows the book! Halloween: Resurrection (2002), in which the second major timeline of the Halloween franchise reaches an ending even more ignominious than the first one's... Superchick (1973), in which she may have a secret identity, but her only superpower is polyamory... and... What Have You Done to Solange? (1972), in which I saved the sleaziest for last with regard to my recent giallo binge. |
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Post by Dr. Kobb on Dec 16, 2021 17:01:38 GMT -5
Not a giallo fan here, but I have a friend looking for "In the Folds of the Flesh" (1970). Holler if you happen to run across a print pls.
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El Santo
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Post by El Santo on Dec 16, 2021 21:52:12 GMT -5
Not a giallo fan here, but I have a friend looking for "In the Folds of the Flesh" (1970). Holler if you happen to run across a print pls. I've got it on DVD. Which reminds me that I've been meaning for some time to ask you about the best electronic means of committing the Cool Crime of Piracy nowadays. |
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Post by Dr. Kobb on Dec 17, 2021 12:42:45 GMT -5
Not a giallo fan here, but I have a friend looking for "In the Folds of the Flesh" (1970). Holler if you happen to run across a print pls. I've got it on DVD. Which reminds me that I've been meaning for some time to ask you about the best electronic means of committing the Cool Crime of Piracy nowadays. Tough call. There are programs you can purchase right at places like Best Buy. But as far as free? I "think" there are still iterations of DVD Shrink out there, but I'm always afraid they're going to have viruses. My go-to is Freemake. It's free just like it says and I rarely have issues with it. Pretty keen too, in that you can transfer from one file type/codec to another, or straight to disc. Sometimes the encryption on a store-bought isn't crackable, but I'm not usually trying to beat those like I used to when good old Netflix was arriving in the mail on discs. |
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El Santo
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Post by El Santo on Jan 1, 2022 9:05:12 GMT -5
Depending on where you were sitting when it launched, this was either my last post of 2021, or my first of 2022. It's a week or so late and a couple reviews short because the whole extended El Santo family got breakthrough COVID infections for Christmas this year, but I'll make up the latter defect next time around. For now: The Lost Empire (1982), in which pretty girls with big boobs take on the mysterious last holdover of an ancient, pre-human civilization... The Phantom Empire (1988), in which the mysterious last holdover of an ancient, pre-human civilization is a pretty girl with big boobs... The Stalls of Barchester (1971), in which a fusspot scholar finds the cathedral library he's supposed to be cataloguing a total bore until he comes to the personal papers of an extremely naughty archdeacon... and... A Warning to the Curious (1972), in which the aforementioned fusspot scholar has an altogether more direct encounter with supernatural peril. |
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Mayzshon
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Post by Mayzshon on Jan 14, 2022 22:13:03 GMT -5
Just thought I'd let you know that last two reviews led me to read MR James Ghost Stories of an Antiquary.
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El Santo
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Post by El Santo on Mar 28, 2022 20:52:16 GMT -5
This was supposed to have been my January update, but it turns out that post-COVID brainfog I’d been hearing about is a very real thing, which you don’t even have to get all that sick to experience. I think I’ve got it all blown away now, but I couldn’t concentrate on a damned thing for a while there. Sadly, that also means that the little something special I had meant to do in March will need to get pushed forward a few months. Anyway, we’ll start with the purely new stuff: Angel Heart (1987), in which obviously nothing good will come of doing any kind of contract work for Satan... Cat People (1982), in which getting rejected by Nastassja Kinski is rough on were-leopards and film directors alike... No Escape (1994), in which 1994's dystopian idea of 2022 is in some ways preferable to the real thing... and... Southern Comfort (1981), in which colonialist arrogance doesn't go over any better in the bayou than it does in Indochina. I’ve got a few rewritten reviews, too, but only one of them got the kind of up-from-the-studs rebuild that’s characterized the series so far: The Crimson Cult (1968), which started life as an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's "The Dreams in the Witch House," not that you'd ever guess that from the film itself... Dinosaur Island (1994), in which I perform some much-needed reconstructive surgery on one of the first reviews I ever wrote... and... Gigantis the Fire Monster (1955), in which my goad to rewriting action was finally getting a chance to see the Japanese cut. |
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El Santo
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Post by El Santo on Jun 2, 2022 13:30:40 GMT -5
A disappointingly light update, considering how long it took me to write these reviews into a form I was satisfied with: Halloween (2007), in which Rob Zombie certainly isn't the worst thing to happen to the franchise, but the movie would have been so much better if it were free to be something other than a Halloween remake... The Pack (1977), in which the Jaws-knockoff formula gets an interesting twist from using a species that usually gets along very well with humans as the threat... Total Recall (1990), which is simultaneously Paul Verhoeven's last really good Hollywood movie, and an unmistakable signpost pointing the way to Hollow Man and Showgirls... and... Vanessa (1977), in which it isn't just your imagination-- there really wasn't a script, strictly speaking. |
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El Santo
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Post by El Santo on Sept 28, 2022 9:39:52 GMT -5
The long-delayed latest update at 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting-- hope it was worth the wait! Effects (1979), in which most of the people making a cheap horror movie that's really a snuff film think they're in on the con, but nobody's in on the whole con... Halloween II (2009), in which Rob Zombie brings the saga of Michael Myers to an ending that not even an Akkad can walk back... Nope (2022), in which the unidentified flying object is more importantly a misidentified flying object... The Northman (2022), in which Hamlet doesn't give a shit what's nobler in the mind... She-Wolf of London (1946), in which the second cycle of Universal horror makes one last orbit around the drain before plunging in... Terror Train (1980), or Murder on the Disorient Express... and... X (2022), in which you don't have to bring a chainsaw for a Texas massacre! |
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Post by Dr. Kobb on Sept 29, 2022 10:40:33 GMT -5
The long-delayed latest update at 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting-- hope it was worth the wait! Effects (1979), in which most of the people making a cheap horror movie that's really a snuff film think they're in on the con, but nobody's in on the whole con... Halloween II (2009), in which Rob Zombie brings the saga of Michael Myers to an ending that not even an Akkad can walk back... Nope (2022), in which the unidentified flying object is more importantly a misidentified flying object... The Northman (2022), in which Hamlet doesn't give a shit what's nobler in the mind... She-Wolf of London (1946), in which the second cycle of Universal horror makes one last orbit around the drain before plunging in... Terror Train (1980), or Murder on the Disorient Express... and... X (2022), in which you don't have to bring a chainsaw for a Texas massacre! Any idea what the perfectly balanced ballet slipper in the raging ape scenes from "Nope" signified? While I loved the movie overall, little touches like that left me feeling cheated. Like ambiguous red herrings that didn't even necessarily serve their purpose. |
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El Santo
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Post by El Santo on Sept 29, 2022 10:54:53 GMT -5
The long-delayed latest update at 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting-- hope it was worth the wait! Effects (1979), in which most of the people making a cheap horror movie that's really a snuff film think they're in on the con, but nobody's in on the whole con... Halloween II (2009), in which Rob Zombie brings the saga of Michael Myers to an ending that not even an Akkad can walk back... Nope (2022), in which the unidentified flying object is more importantly a misidentified flying object... The Northman (2022), in which Hamlet doesn't give a shit what's nobler in the mind... She-Wolf of London (1946), in which the second cycle of Universal horror makes one last orbit around the drain before plunging in... Terror Train (1980), or Murder on the Disorient Express... and... X (2022), in which you don't have to bring a chainsaw for a Texas massacre! Any idea what the perfectly balanced ballet slipper in the raging ape scenes from "Nope" signified? While I loved the movie overall, little touches like that left me feeling cheated. Like ambiguous red herrings that didn't even necessarily serve their purpose. My best guess is that it didn't signify anything in and of itself, but was rather intended to exemplify the kind of bizarre, irrelevant detail that people almost always seem to come out of extremely traumatic experiences remembering. |
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